1. I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.
2. More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.
3. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
4. I don’t understand the purpose of the line, “I don’t need to drink to have fun.” Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they’ve invented the lighter?
5. Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you’re going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you’re crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.
6. That’s enough, Nickelback.
7. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
8. Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the “people you may know” feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?
9. Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn’t work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ’s. We just figured it out. Today’s kids are soft.
10. There is a great need for sarcasm font.
11. Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f was going on when I first saw it.
12. I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I’ll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone’s laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I’m still the only one who really, really gets it.
13. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
14. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
15. I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
16. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.
17. A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.
18. Was learning cursive really necessary?
19. Lol has gone from meaning, “laugh out loud” to “I have nothing else to say”.
20. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
21. Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.
22. My brother’s Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, “Cuz we beat you, and you hate us.” Classy, bro.
23. Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart”.
24. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear what they said?
25. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!
26. Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using ‘as in’ examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss’s last name to an attorney and said “Yes that’s G as in…(10 second lapse)..ummm…Goonies”
27. What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?
28. While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it…thanks Mario Kart.
29. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
30. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
31. I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.
32. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
33. I would like to officially coin the phrase ‘catching the swine flu’ to be used as a way to make fun of a friend for hooking up with an overweight woman. Example: “Dave caught the swine flu last night.”
34. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.
35. Bad decisions make good stories
36. Whenever I’m Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don’t mind if I do!
37. Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?
38. If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.
39. Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I’m from, this shouldn’t be a problem….
40. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you’ve made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
41. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don’t want to have to restart my collection.
42. There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
43. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
44. “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this ever.
45. I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV.. There’s so much pressure. ‘I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren’t watching this. It’s only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?’
46. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What’d you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?
47. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
48. When I meet a new girl, I’m terrified of mentioning something she hasn’t already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
49. I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it’s on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
50. Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles…
51. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
52. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
53. It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.
54. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
55. Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn’t know what do to with it.
56. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time…
57. My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day “Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?” How the hell do I respond to that?
58. It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.
59. I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.
60. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
61. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.
62. The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There’s nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner
1. Pretend you’ve never met, then loudly try out lame pickup lines in a swanky bar. Act like they worked.
2. Go on a walking journey and every fifteen feet draw a chalk arrow in the direction you’re going. At the end of the trip, leave a big pile of chalk.
3. Create photo evidence suggesting that you went on an adventure that didn’t really happen
4. Go for a drive. You can only make right-hand turns. When you finally get stuck, turn around and then you can only make left-hand turns. Repeat until you find something interesting. Take pictures along the way!
5. Build forts out of furniture and blankets, and wage war with paper airplanes.
6. Go to a major chain bookstore, and leave notes to future readers in copies of your favorite books
7. Write a piece of fiction together. Outside at a cafe. Ask strangers when you get stuck.
8. Try and visit as many people as you can in one night, and turn as many things inside their apartment upside down as you can, without them noticing.
9. Do the lamest tourist thing in your area that you have both secretly wanted to do forever. Have an unabashed good time!
10. Hide and seek in the park
11. Go around the city with sidewalk chalk and draw hearts with equations inside on random things
12. Drive somewhere unknown and have dinner in a city you’ve never been to. With fake names.
13. Go for a drive with the passenger blindfolded, choosing directions at random. see where you end up
14. Dress up as pirates, commandeer shopping carts, and have a war upon the high seas.. er, parking lot.
15. Go on a search for as many good climbing trees as possible, climb as high as you both can in all of them, compile photo evidence
16. Rent a movie you’ve never seen before. Set on mute and improvise dialogue.
17. Dress up as pirates and go parrot shopping at local pet stores
18. Go to the airport, get the cheapest, soonest departing flight to anywhere when you show up, and stay there for a weekend.
19. Walk around a city and perform short silent plays in front of security cameras
20. In the middle of the night, drive to the beach, so you arrive just as the sun is rising. Have a breakfast picnic, then fall asleep together. Bring a sun umbrella.
21. Dress up as superheros and stop at least one petty crime “ie. jaywalking, littering….”
22. Go to a minor league baseball game under the stars. Tell each other stories about how bad you are at athletics. Randomly cheer for both teams. Eat lots of Cracker Jack.
23. With camera and pair of boots, make photolog of a day in the life of the invisible man.
24. Walk around the city all night and find a place to eat breakfast at dawn
25. Go to a restaurant and convince the cook to create something completely new for you.
Assume A + B = C, and assume A = 3 and B = 2. Multiply both sides of the equation A + B = C by (A + B). We obtain A² + 2AB + B² = C(A + B) Rearranging the terms we have A² + AB - AC = - AB - B² + BC Factoring out (A + B - C), we have A(A + B - C) = - B(A + B - C) Dividing both sides by (A + B - C), that is, dividing by zero, we get A = - B, or A + B = 0, which is evidently absurd.
Saludo ako sa mga Pinoy kapag napipikon. Hindi natin pino-point out kung ano yung nakakainis mismo.. Diretso na ang attack sa physical attributes nung “mortal enemy”.
1. Tangina, ang laki laki naman ng butas ng ilong niya, kasya big toe ko!
2. Akala mo naman kung sinong maganda, amoy anghit naman!
3. Feeling guwapo, nognog naman!
4. O kaya mga pasaring na tulad nito: “Alam mo buti ka pa nga, braso mo lang problema mo.. Eh yung IBA DIYAN.. buong mukha problema nila.”
5. Pwede ring, “Shumatap ka na lang, mukha ka namang pwet ng kawali.”
6. Or yung the best na narinig ko, “TANGINA MO! NAKAKAINIS KA NA NGA ANG PANGIT PANGIT MO PA! MUKHA KANG TAENG TINUBUAN NG MUKHA!”
“They call it the “quarter-life crisis.” It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are many things about yourself that you didn’t know and may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now. You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren’t exactly the greatest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you don’t recognize is that they are realizing that too, and aren’t really cold, catty, mean, or insincere, but that they are just as confused as you. You look at your job… and it is not even close to what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are looking for a job and realizing you are going to have to start at the bottom and that scares you. Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual because you suddenly realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn’t. One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past for dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward. You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you. Or you lie in bed and wonder why you can’t meet anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better. Getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic. You go through the same emotions and questions over and over because you cannot seem to make a decision. You worry about loans, money, the future, and making a life for yourself… and while winning the race would be great, right now you’d just like to be a contender. What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out. And really, this is an acknowledgment that you are not alone in this….”
1. kumakain ka ba ng aratilis?
2. nagpipitpit ng gumamela para gawing soapy bubbles na hihipan mo sa binilog na tanggkay ng walis tingting?
3. pinipilit ka ba matulog ng nanay mo pag hapon at di ka papayagan maglaro pag di ka natulog?
4. marunong ka magpatintero, saksak puso, langit-lupa, teleber-teleber, luksong tinik?
5. malupit ka pag meron kang atari, family computer or nes?
6. alam mo ang silbi ng up, up, down, down, left,right, left, right, b, a, b, a, select, start?
7. may mga damit ka na U.S.E.D., Boy London, Cross Colors, Esprit, Blowing Bubbles at pag nakakakita ka ng Bench na damit eh naalala mo si Richard Gomez?
8. addict ka sa super friends, rainbow brite, carebears, my little pony,thundercats, bioman, voltes v, mazinger z, daimos, he-man at marami pang cartoons na hindi pa translated sa tagalog?
9. nanonood ka ng shaider kasi nabobosohan mo si annie at type na type mo ang puting panty nya?
10. marunong ka mag wordstar, newsmaster at nakahawak ka na talaga ng 5.25 na floppy disk?
11. inaabangan mo lagi ang batibot at akala mo magkakatuluyan si kuya bodgie at ate sienna… nung high school ka inaabangan mo lagi beverly hills 90210?
12. gumagamit ka ng AQUANET para pataasin ang bangs mo?
13.meron kang blouse na may padding kung babae ka at meron kang sapatos na mighty kid kung lalake ka?
14. nangongolekta ka ng paper stationaries at mahilig ka magpapirma sa slumbook mo para lang malaman mo kung sino ang crush ng type mo?
15. kilala mo si manang bola at ang sitsiritsit girls?e si luning-ning at luging-ging?
16. alam mo ibig sabihin ng time space warp at di mo makakalimutan ang time space warp chant?
17. idol mo si McGyver at nanonood kang perfect strangers?
18. eto malupet… six digits lang ba ang phone number nyo dati?
19. nakakatawag ka pa sa pay phone ng 3 bentesingko lang ang dala?
20. cute pa si aiza seguerra at si bikoy yung mascot sa eat bulaga at alam mo ang song na “eh kasi bata”?
21. inabutan mo ba na ang Magnolia Chocolait eh nasa glass bottle pa na ginagawang lalagyan ng tubig ng nanay mo sa ref?
22. meron kang pencil case na maraming compartments na pinagyayabang mo sa mga kaklase mo?
23. noon mo pa hinahanap kung saan ang Goya Fun Factory?
24. alam mo lyrics ng “tinapang bangus” at “alagang-alaga namin si puti”?
25. alam mo ang kantang “gloria labandera”.. lumusong sha sa tubig ang paa ay nabasa at ang “1, 2, 3,asawa ni marie”… hehehehehe?
26. sosyal ka pag may play-doh ka at Lego… at nag-iipon ka ng G.I. Joe action figures at iba pa ang mukha ni barbie noon?
27. inabutan mo pa yung singkong korteng bulaklak at yung diyes na square?
28. lumaki kang bobo dahil ang akala mo nangangagat talaga ang alimango sa kantang tong-tong-tong…diba naninipit yun?
29. alam mo yung kwento ng pari na binigyan ng pera yung batang umakyat ng puno para bumili ng panty… and shempre, alam mo rin ba kung ano binigay nya sa nanay nung umakyat ng puno?
30. meron kang kabisadong kanta ni andrew e na alam mo hanggang ngayon.. aminin?
31. laging lampin ang sinasapin sa likod mo pag pinapawisan ka?
32. bumibili ka ng tarzan, texas at bazooka bubblegum…tira-tira, at yung kending bilog na sinawsaw sa asukal?
33. takot ka dumating ang year 2000 dahil sabi nila magugunaw daw ang mundo?
34. KUNG ALAM MO LAHAT DITO LAGPAS KA NA NG 25 YEARS OLD… KAPAG HALOS LAHAT ALAM MO, NASA 23-25 KA…WAG KA NA MAG DENY.. TUMAWA KA NA LANG…
35. DIBA .75 CENTAVOS PA LANG PAMASAHE SA JEEP NUN AT MAS MASARAP ANG MELLOW YELLOW KESA MOUNTAIN DEW? HAHAHAHA
FA Wall:
“nobody cares”
somebody answered:
“not even the carebares?”
then another:
“not even kier?”
then:
“not even zoren?”
lastly:
“not even zorro?”
all written by different people.
AS:
AS chairs:
“push button to eject seatmate”
“push button to eject urself”
“push button to kill teacher.”
“push button to eject teacher”
….reply: “it’s jammed! We’re doomed!”
AS cubicle:
“Donate your bulbol here..” tapos may chewing gum na pagdidikitan. …
AS chair :
“you know bobo? bobo is you!”
AS 1st floor CR:
“if you forget the past, then you porget the purious..”
AS 1st floor CR uli:
” Im a simple gay “
tapos me sumagot
“sira! Dapat ‘Im simple and gay!’ Taga peyups ka ba? duh! “
tapos me sumagot ulit (with matching arrow pa na nakaturo dun sa reply)
“sira ka rin! yung simple is used as an adjective tapos yung gay is used as a noun. kaya ok lang yung simple gay nya!”
CHEM:
Chem chair:
“push button to spray acid on prof’s face.”
Another chem chair:
“You Boron!!!”
BIO:
Bio chair:
“Push cadaver to haunt teacher.”
FO Santos:
“SA MGA NAGTATAPON NG BASURA DITO… bawal.”
ENG’G:
Sa Men’s CR, facing the urinal:
“Hawak ko saking mga kamay ang kinabukasan ng bayan!”
Reply:
“the future you are holding is very small.”
GAB:
sa likod ng armchair sa isang room sa GAB:
“takas ng ward 7”
MATH:
sa cr sa may math building:
“SUMAPI SA NPA! “
may sumagot:
“PAANO? “
may sumagot pa:
“MAGFILL UP NG COUPON AT IHULOG SA PINAKAMALAPIT NA DROP BOX SA SUKING TINDAHAN!”
sa math building, sa likod ng isang “teacher’s chair” sa 3rd floor:
“BABALA: asawa ni babalu”
sa math 3rd floor, sa isang upuan uli.
“you’ll NEVER find what you’re looking for”
May nag-reply:
“find x.”
sa math 3rd floor, sa isa pang upuan uli.
nakasulat sa armchair:
“F*CK DA WORLD! “
ta’s may sumagot:
“F*CK U TOO!
—WORLD—”
3rd floor math cr:
“kaibigan, pagkapatos mong umihi, paki PLUS mo naman, hehehe.”
UPIS
sa loob ng music room.
“maam _______(music prof) boses palaka! “
tas may sumagot
“nakarinig ka na ba ng boses ng palaka “
tas may sumagot uli
“weh “
tas may nag-react uli
“oo, sabi kokak!kokak! ”
VINZONS:
Wall ng vinzons
“Do not steal. The government hates competition”
men’s cr sa Vinzon’s:
“remember: the hands that clean this toilet are the same hands that cook your food.”
men’s cr waaaay above the urinal:
“if you can reach this, the fire department wants you!”
NIGS:
sa isang upuan:
“f*ck nigs!”
may nagreply:
“who’s nigs?”
MAIN LIB
Sa isang lamesa ng main lib, filipiniana section:
“UP STUDENTS HAS BECOME PATETHIC”
tapos may sumagot…
“mali pang grammar at spelling mo, halatang di ka taga UP”
KALAI:
nietzsche-“god is dead”
God- “Nietzsche is dead!”
SC:
sa labas ng PNB:
“in case of emergency break ass and push butt”
sa girls’ CR:
“Bawal ang vandal Dito!…
Mommy said: First Aid Terramycin”
sa girls’ CR uli:
“My boyfriend and I had sex and now I’m pregnant”
Reply:
“Pray to God”
